1. ptinlv's Avatar
    Back in college I worked the 1992 US Open (in conjunction with a special class out of UNLV). I was in charge of a corporate hospitality tent off of the 16th. fairway. Crowd control became an issue for us, and we were our own security. Even during the practice rounds, the crouds were quite large. I identified an individual without proper credentials and asked them to exit our tent. It turns out I was kicking out Paul Azinger (a player in the open). A woman came up to me immediately and said "do you know who that is?" Long story short I got on my radio and found Mr. Azinger a ride to get back to his hotel. Quite embarassing at the time...
    06-25-2009 02:33 PM
  2. jeremylittle's Avatar
    A couple of years ago me and two guys played golf almost every week. My wife got a little jealous and asked if she could come along one week. We borrowed some clubs and took her with us. On the FIRST HOLE she got about 50 yards down the fairway in about 5 strokes. She was yelling at herself (and me) and throwing clubs and finally said, "you just go on and I'll meet you at the hole!" She meant the green. My friend says, "well at least she has the golfer's attitude."
    06-25-2009 02:35 PM
  3. Tully's Avatar
    Has to be from Caddyshack

    "This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff."
    06-25-2009 02:40 PM
  4. Farmdreads's Avatar
    This one time when I was golfing, a little gopher popped out of his hole and grabbed my golf ball. So I stuffed his holes with dynamite, lit the fuse and watched the entire golf course explode. Funny though, the little sucker survived to star in the sequel.
    06-25-2009 03:03 PM
  5. pauljan7's Avatar
    I Took My Wife To Play 18 Holes Of Golf . Before We Got There I Had A Plan To Ask Her To Marry Me. I Had Someone Take The Ring (still In Box) And Place In The 18th Hole. When We Got To The Hole She Sunk Her Putt And With A Big Smile On Her Face Picked Up The Box Opened It And Said Yes . That Was The Best Moment Ever
    06-25-2009 03:15 PM
  6. esheldon76's Avatar
    Two years ago, I was golfing with my new set of clubs (had only been golfing about two years). I was really slicing the ball when I went out, so I tried to overcompensate on the club head but still sliced the ball. After getting frustrated, I radically overcompensated some more (because my slice is that wicked), and of course I then hooked the ball. As it's careening (sp?) down the course, I see it's going to go off the other side of the green this time, and so I throw my club, and turn to look at my partner. I turn back around to see the ball hit a lone tree to the left of the green, and then bounce three feet from the pin! My partner and I, and the foursome behind us's jaw hit the FLOOR!
    06-25-2009 03:18 PM
  7. garynky's Avatar
    Still my favorite golf joke after many years.

    Earl won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope.

    When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

    The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.

    Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,

    "Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"
    06-25-2009 03:42 PM
  8. Behshad's Avatar
    This american guy goes to Japan for a Golf tournament,,,,the night before the big day , he goes out clubbing downtown tokyo and hooks up with a nice lady and after few hours of conversation and too many drinks they go back to his hotel room, where you know, they do the thing,,,, somewhere in the middle of the intimacy, the asian ladies keeps screaming "fukanaboko, fukanaboko".... the guy assuming he is being a good lover , feels confident about pleasing the lady.

    The next day at the course, after his 1st shot, his japanese competitor screams out "fukanaboko fukanaboko".....
    So while smiling the american guy asks his translator, "Does fukanaboko mean GREAT JOB...? "
    His translator says , "No sir,,, it means Wrong Hole"


    06-25-2009 03:54 PM
  9. BlueBomber's Avatar
    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

    Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

    Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

    Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

    Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

    Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

    Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

    Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

    'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

    'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

    Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

    Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

    Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

    Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'



    Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

    Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'.
    06-25-2009 03:54 PM
  10. Behshad's Avatar
    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

    Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

    Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

    Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

    Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

    Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

    Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

    Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

    'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

    'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

    Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

    Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

    Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

    Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'



    Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

    Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'.

    disqualified! LOL ttyler already posted this! You need to read all the jokes before you post one
    06-25-2009 03:58 PM
  11. Bri Guy's Avatar
    This happened to a friend of my Dad's. When this friend was a boy, he was riding home with his parents and had a bathroom emergency. It was at night, and they were driving by their local golf course. Stopping the car, he jumped out and hurriedly made his way away from the road and through the bushes. He came into a clearing and found a convenient hole to make his "deposit." He never gave it a second thought.

    Years later, as a teenager, he applied for a job as a groundskeeper/watering boy at the same course. Newly hired, the young man was taken around the course by an old veteran groundskeeper who was showing him how to change a hole - moving a hole to another part of the green. He would reach down into the cup, remove it, and then show him how to fill it in and prepare another hole. When they approached the 17th hole, the groundskeeper informed this young man that for the past several years they called it the "s*** hole". Then it all came back to him
    06-25-2009 04:03 PM
  12. sppatel's Avatar
    Fell into the pond trying to hit a ball close to the water. Swung, lost my balance, and fell completely in. Got a few laughs
    06-25-2009 04:07 PM
  13. arthompson590's Avatar
    A man and his wife go golfing. He's having the round of his life! He hits off the tee on 18 and shanks the ball off the fairway. It's a terrible lie with a greens keepers shed between him and the green. His wife suggests "why not open the doors on both sides and you can nit it right through". He says "great idea" and opens the doors. He takes the shot and it ricochets off the shed, hits his wife, and she dies instantly. A year later the man goes back to play the the course in remembrance. On 18, he hits almost the identical shot. His buddy says "well i'll open the doors and you can hit it right through". He immediately responds "No!...last time I tried that, I shot an 8 on this hole"....
    06-25-2009 04:11 PM
  14. kaikomai's Avatar
    I always found this one my favorite! I don't think its too inappropriate. :P

    A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years!", he says.

    She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

    He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

    Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

    He replies, "Ten years!"

    She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

    He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

    Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

    And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
    06-25-2009 04:27 PM
  15. tapdraw's Avatar
    I don't play real golf very much, but I used to rule at Tiger Woods Golf in college. Loved playing it everyday. In fact, it's the reason I don't play real golf because I would convince myself that I was easy by playing the video game and then go out and frustrate myself to no end.
    06-25-2009 04:27 PM
  16. jasonact's Avatar
    When I was in college, I was friends with a guy who was an avid golfer. I always thought golf was interesting, but I had never actually played. He invited me to play a round with him, without knowing about my complete lack of experience. I borrowed some clubs from another friend, and we spent most of the day either waiting for me to actually make contact with the ball on the tee or looking for my ball in the rough. It was bad, and he never invited me to golf again.
    06-25-2009 04:29 PM
  17. rats13's Avatar
    The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

    "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

    "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

    "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

    Thanks for the chance to win
    06-25-2009 04:42 PM
  18. Batman2372's Avatar
    I decided to take a golf class in college, as I had never had any formal golf training. After the first day of going and doing nothing but putting while our teacher went out and played a round, never bothering to even take roll, I decided not to go back.

    I got an A in the class.

    Thanks for the giveaway, tipb!
    06-25-2009 04:47 PM
  19. jaybirdz's Avatar
    I decided it would be a great idea to take my girlfriend (now wife) to the golf course and impress her with all my "l33t golfing skillz". I let her drive the cart while I played. Trying to impress her, I tried to completely smash my drive. The ball hit a nearby utility pole, and ricocheted back towards us at Mach 3. I quickly ducked, narrowly avoiding the spherical missile. However, the ball sailed past me and missed her head by a few hair breadths, then loudly collided with my clubs. Not only did I almost kill her, but by avoiding the gold ball I allowed it to almost hit her. Needless to say, that was our last gold trip.
    06-25-2009 05:04 PM
  20. BlueBomber's Avatar
    disqualified! LOL ttyler already posted this! You need to read all the jokes before you post one
    NOOOOO!!!

    I searched the thread for 'Wonder', and it claimed no results, so I thought i was in the clear!

    Do I get a second chance :o.

    EDIT:
    It doesn't even matter. arthompson590 wins with that joke.
    Last edited by BlueBomber; 06-25-2009 at 05:29 PM.
    06-25-2009 05:25 PM
  21. Larry R's Avatar
    I was playing at an executive 9-hole course with my father-in-law and my brother-in-law. I lined up for my drive and swung away ... only I apparently opened the face up as I came through the ball because instead of going down the fairway, it took off straight ahead (the direction I was physically facing) and hit a wooden course information sign. Directly behind the sign was a guy sitting on a bench waiting for a group to finish so he could play the last hole. He immediately jumped up (leaving his clubs there) and sprinted for the club house.

    If that wasn't enough, about a year later I was playing at another executive 9-hole course in the area with some guys from work. There were only 3 of us, so a solo golfer had joined our group. Between the first and second hole I was telling them this story and as I prepared to take my 2nd hole shot they jokingly stood a ways behind me (stating that they wanted to be out of the path of the ball). I swung and the ball shot out at an angle, right for them. The guy who joined our group tried to jump out of the way but the ball caught his calf and left a nice big red welt.

    Needless to say, for the rest of the round ... they waited far, far away from me (though I had no more errant shots).
    06-25-2009 05:45 PM
  22. .X.'s Avatar
    The best thing about golf is watching Charles Barkley swing

    (I post the link but the system says I can't. So check it out on youtube to see what I mean)
    06-25-2009 06:41 PM
  23. lineskier22's Avatar
    Golf is like taxes. You drive hard to make the green and then end up in the hole.
    06-25-2009 07:11 PM
  24. escapethematrix's Avatar
    I was playing in an event for work with all of these semi-pro amateur's where 4-6 people started in staggered format at each hole. Well, with all these awesome guys watching, i walked up, tee'd up, and swung, and hit nothing but air, it was very embarassing. I need to stick to tiger woods golf instead of the real thing.
    06-25-2009 08:29 PM
  25. KFurlong93's Avatar
    All I know is I need to kill Gopher Kong
    06-25-2009 11:48 PM
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