When it was all said and done:
Tried to get iOS10 immediately at launch.
BRICKED (or whatever the f you want to call it)
Plugged into old Mac with old iTunes.
Installed 9.5.3 after 2 hours of downloading.
Loaded iOS 10 and it worked.
Restore malfunctioned.
Wiped.
Restore #2 worked.
5.5 hour iOS upgrade to look at messages that only other iOS 10 people can appreciate, but the new keyboard sounds make it all worth it.
Apple did a fine job of attempting to be Samsung today. Pretty disappointing being that I've owned all every version of the iPhone (this restore being in some shape a clone of my 2G) and this upgrade was such a pain.
Lesson: live and learn, let the lemmings test the upgrades and sit in a day or two after. I adopted this philosophy in my yearly iPhone upgrades doing so 30 days from release. I guess this will have to filter through to the software upgrades as well.
Peace!